Puppy Love...<3

So it's been about a bazillion years since i have posted or even visited my blogger thing...
so not a lot has changed im still single,
i'm back in school, freshman! i love all my teachers im doing good at my work and im keeping up, i'm taking German and oh my god it is so amazing, we barely do anything besides the fact that we are learning to speak another language.
Uhm my favorite class is deffinatly world cultures, i have most of my friends in there, and its just lik seriously amazing and then after that i go to lunch where i talk to brooke who is amazing and i love her to death.

so other then school i've been really caught up with my love life.
So there's this guy [so cliche to start a convo this way] and I like him a lot, like i usually tihnk about him nonstop and about what he's doing. Over the summer my friend ben and him rode their bikes to my house and thats how me and alex met. Unfortunatly i wasnt prepared for them coming to myhouse so i just happen to be in sweatpants and a tank top and a hoodie. so me and ben were talking and alex just didnt take his eyes off of me, and he would join in the conversations and laugh with me and agree with me on things.
Well after that ben said that i shoudl text alex cause he thought i was cute and kind of liked me. so i started texting him, we talked for awhile and then after awhile i was lik ehh wutever ill never be able to go out with him, then a little while passed and he texted me and was like hey stranger! then we talked and talked, then one day i was cleanign and i was in shorts and a sweatshirt and my hair was a mess and i had no makeup on with my glasses, and i was eating this fruit bar and i had the music blasting and i opend the front door and all of sudden i walked out the door and theres ben and alex sitting on their bikes waving and alex had this huge smile ono his face.
While there were there i gave alex this little rubber snake that ig ot for him at chuck e cheese, named felix, and he was lik our son so he said. and then ben told alex how i snort when i laugha so him and alex started tickeling me. then i showed them how i broke the rope in this fence tihng and i was trying to reach this rope but i was to short and alex just stared at me while i was trying to get the rope. and then you no we just laughed and talked a lot after that. then we talked on aim and he said these in our convo.....
[i took out the screennames]

Nikki: haha i looked bad
Nikki: compared to wut i can look lik
Alex: ohhhh haha
Alex: Well felix thinks your beautiful he told me haha

and then time passed and we still talked, but then one day in school i found out that him and his ec girlfriend are "working things out" but you no all the more power to him but you know that wont stop me from liiking him. but then i was talking to my friend laura and she was going to write him a message on myspace saying how i liked him and stuff, and then we got into lik a little fight and i thought she wasnt going to send it, well apparently i did and i found that out in world cultures from ben. so yeah me and alex didnt talk for lik a day or 2 i believe. and then he texts me and was lik being really nice and he asked me how school was going and im like yeah good, and we started talking about how im taking german and he's taking spanish and neither of us can roll our R's so then we were just atlking and then this was a part of our convo....

Nikki: its my tongue my mom says
Nikki: she says i have a gay tongue
Alex: gay tongue?
Nikki:yeah it doesnt role r's
Alex: they i think our tongues should date b.c mine is gay too
Alex: hahah
Alex: i try so hard i look retarded

and omg i found it like so flipping cute lik i automatically got butterflys but you instead of lingering for lik a second or two on the statment i changed the convo lik a flippin idiot. and then you no he has to go to work and crap and he's lik well i have to go to work but i cant text cause its lik a long ride. and we were texting and then he got to work and we stopped.
but i feel like he likes me but im not sure and i like him a lot and i just wished i could, have him as mine.
gayyy haha

till tomorrow<3

<3

so all my life i knew that when you got older you would always find that special person that will make you insanly happy no matter what happens.
and i thought maybe i should write down what would make me happy
so i will right now.

My Guy:
wakes me up with a single text message that would say "goodmorning beautiful"
calls right after the text message just to make sure that i would get it.
we would go out for breakfast and sit and talk for hours and pick of of eachothers plates and throw food at eachother.
ride around in the car holding hands going the long ways just so we wouldnt have to let go of eachother.
we would call and text eachother whenever we could just so we could find out what eachother wasdoing.
He would tell me that i smell really good even though i had no scent on besides my shampoo.
He wouldnt tell me he loved me until he knew he was ready, even if it took a year or longer.
we could have an amazing relationship but yet still matain a great friendship.
we would fight but makeup fiveminutes after
stick to eachother through everything and anything that happens
watch tv together and cuddle tightly
he would let me fall asleep in his arms and not wake me up
a guy that would holdmy hand through the whole movie and never let me go
would walk with me whereever i wanted to go
stay up late on the phone and talk for hours and hours
lay with me under the stars and justcount them alluntil welost count
listen to music and close our eyes and just dream about anything
he would love me if i was in sweatpants or jeans

most of all i would lik a guy that would love me without question



it's sad really because im still going on with this stupid love crap, but seriously your whole life is usually devoted to finding that one person that can make you pee your yourself from laughing
can make you cry with all the love that they give you
can give you the biggest smile with only one look
someone who breaks your heart when they leave to go home.

everyone is just looking for someone to love.

Life as we know it

Life as we know it can change in a minute, or even a second.
Today was a difficult day, I had to go down to childrens youth,
[the place that takes kids away from their parents]
and i told them everything that i thought about my household, apparently they will be callingmy mom when they find a new household for me, im scared shitless.
i always seem so strong to the people that i talk to and there is only a few that know how vulnerable i am. It's hard, i mean im probablynot going to be able to see most of friends. and i dont know. its jsut ugh! it really sucks having to do this, but you know it was my choice to do it so im gonna live with it. I just dont want to live with my mom anymore, we fight lik everyday and maybe she doesnt realize it but we do and it is very sad. and apparently i cant go to my familys house first i have to go straight to foster care and then i can go to family. i told the guy everything to anything i could about my mothers boyfriend, the drugs, alchol, and weapons. its bad he is a bad person. i told them though that he has never once touched me and if he did i would have told someone beliiiieeeveeee me. so im happy in a way but sad in another, im happy that i wont be with my mom, but sad cause my decision probably changed my whole life.

other then that, my great grandfather passed away the other day, it was upseting but i couldnt cry because i didnt even know him. the funeral is thursday and im notto excited about that. i dont think im gonna go in i tihnk i might just stay outside while everything goes on.

i really have nothing to write anymoree
tomorrow<3

Wild Wild Wet?. . . . . . . .

Well then today i had to say was one of the most amazing days ever.
although u absoloutly hate family reunions this one was the best.
I invited my best friend Andrew over cause he lives about a couple minutes from the dansbury park, which is where we had our family reunion.
hecamover then we hung out for a little bit walked around talked and stuff.
then my cousin amanda came and then we all hungout.
and then me and andrew were going to go swimming but its lik 5 bucks just to get in the pool there.
so we were lik ohh geez, and then me and andrew and amanda started throwing ice cubes at eachother.
and then this little kid threw a cup of water at me and got me soaked and then another kid threw abouther cup of water at me and i was so mad so me and amanda and andrew were just lik throwing water at eachother and chaseing eachother it was great seriously

then after we were done and ran out of water, we started huggin everyone and getting everyone wet and stuff, great.
haha it was halarious we all had a good time. im happy i have friends lik andrew and amanda and its just great.

then after that everyone went home and i went swimming for awhile, and then went back to my granfathers and had hotdog and hamburgers.
thats really about it, haha.

tomorrow is gonna be fun too.
i really do wish i had more to write but oh well.
later.<3

You would think. . . .

Well i got back today from hanging out with my Aunt, Gramma, and Cousin. I had the most amazing time. I have never loved a family outing so much.
We went shopping, went swimming, ate out. and all in all was amazing.
Today we got up ate breakfast, went to JCPennys to get my little sisters pictures taken, she is so adorable i love her so much.
then me and my cousin went shopping for a little i got 2 new t-shirts and a pair of shorts.
then it was time for me to go home and we got all the stuff inside and said our goodbyes and they left for New York.
I got inside and my mom said she needed to talk to me,
[when she saysthat it generally means, uh oh here comes a serious talk which i dont really care about]
but looky here this conversation seems interesting.
"Nick child services came by today and left a note on the door."
HALLELUJA!
Finally hopefully someone knows how horrible my mother is, and how my step father is a junky.
i hate him i really do.
i dont want to live here i want to live with my dad so badly i love him, he is lik my best friend in a way.
im glad someone called child services.
i hate it here, i hate her, i hate him
and i worship the person that called child services.

and the fact that im getting really pissed as is the fact that something lik this has happened and no one seems to care, they keep asking me questions that can help them or they like idk they try to give me more advice then just help me,
i want a friend not a counseler.
or they ask me questions about someone else,
HELLO
im giong to go through the most difficult time in my life right now and your going to sit there and aask me about someone else.
ARE YOU FUCKING RETARTED
i have to chose to either tell somone if i hate my mother and shes a horrible mother, or let it go and let my mother keep me and my sister.
obviously i have no idea what to do but i dont know, people are just so stupid.
uhmmm, yeah so maybe i should just wait and see.
i have a chance to live with dad and be happy, be happy but not be able to go to my moms work and see about just the most amazing people.
but with my dad i might have a better chance in life, i mean my dad does really support me with everything i so and everything that goes on.
but sometimes altough as much as i love him, he ignores me and ddoesnt really notice that im there just because im young and he thinks that i dont know as much as he does.
but he's my dad he loves me and treats me with respect, what more can i ask for

i dont know but other then that. ive been happy pissed, upset, and aggitated but you know thats just the usual.
maybe i should just take a break from everyone and idk regroup, people sometimes really just piss me off, beccause how can they car so much about one thing without knowing that its going to work out in the end.
i dont know i dont know!
i want to just be happy i mean in my life i have never been really really really insanly happy.
people have passed through my life and never left a mark
i want someone to stay and make me feel lik im worthe something and that they want to be with me

but yeah i guess i dont know i cant think of anything,
i just ugh
im just gone

think about it.

So I sat home today and just cryed and cryed and cryed, because me and my mother got into another fight.
Ugh I really do hate her, everyone knows accept her, which is sad really. I ca't stand being around her. Butwhatever that topic is over and done with.
But my dad called me, cause i called him, and asked what was wrong and i told him the whole story of the fight that me and my mother had. and i told him how my mom once said
"She said that you don't want me because I don't fit your lifestyle."
and he said.
"Well you fit my lifestyle more then you do theirs now don't you?" i agreed what can i say.my dad is a very busy man but i love him to death. He is someone that i very very much respect. He said that after he gets out of this slump with this guy's truck then he will take care of me.
FINALLY
my step-father, ha! what a joke he's a douche. he is a druggie/asshole.
that's all im gonna write about him.
My step mother is insanely scary skinny, i love her though.she is a great person and shes lik a mother/sister/friend to me andim greatful to know her.

My friends,are probably the most amazing people in my life they really do keep me going at times when i feel run down.
There's this kid Andrew, yeah for somereason i call him my best friend, idk why.
but he is, cause no matter how big or small the problem he is there for me and he is the onlyguy in my life next to my dad that i can count on.

My one Problem inlife is that, i care to much about love. and I'm afraid I'll never find it.
It's my fear. I push people away. Andrews the only one that knows that dueto the fact that we went out twice.
But I never tell anyone why i push them away, i push them away because I don;t want them to know what they are getting theirselves into, i dont want them to know how much i care for them and how much romance or feelings i hold for them. I'm kind of afraid to be happy, because i know that it wont last as long as i want it to.
My heart is filled with so much feeling that sometimes, it hurts a lot to have someone take those feelings and not use them. And then when i dont share my feelings people say that i dont care, its not that i dont care i just never find the right person to care about them. I can always write down the perfect love story, buti get mad cause i never can fulfill it, and even though im still young and have so much time to find someone, i just want to say, im not looking for now and forever, i just want here and now.

im single now, but thats okay really, ill find someone eventually.
It's all good.

idk but thats it really nothing special.
till tomorrow<3